i think i just heard my heart break, and fall onto the floor in a cascade of shards. And the funny thing is, i don't know why. Oh God, i need you so much. I feel like quoting ecclesiastes: Meaningless! Meaningless! Everything is meaningless! But i think my depression today stems from self-loathing. I feel weak and insipid, devoid of colour, brilliance and one special talent that makes me an individual. And i wonder what anyone can see in me, and like in me. Still you love me, still you called me to you. God, you really don't mind taking in the trash, do you? Knell. Kneel. Keel. Knowledge.

you don't know about this blog, yet.
i don't know what i'm writing this here, for. I guess it's to shu fa gan qing. In that quiet way that you want to do, except that it sounds wrong:P

I've really never felt this way about any other guy before.. Jeremy was different; it was a little painful all the time. Tom was sweet bliss, the kind that's free and floating, that glorifies the person beyond who he really is. But. you:/

just for you

I'm reusing this blog because i'd like the privacy, and yet i like the anonymity of it. Like, no one knows who i'm talking about but you:P

I'm glad i waited for you. I got to play soccer with Bernard and Kai Meng, for old time's sake, and you got to see me:P We're in different classes, and we have different breaks, and i hardly ever see you around...

it has occured to me that the only reason why i'm being so open about it is because i'm sleep deprived. So you get to read my stream of consciousness, for today and today only.

One thing though... I know i'm making you feel insecure, so i promise not to keep you on your toes for long...

school

I've been realising that i haven't been putting in my all lately. Honestly, i'v enever felt so dissatisfied with my results. Thinking of them leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, and i have a pang of regret. I didn't do badly, Thank God. But i know that I am far far away from where i ought to be. What can you expect, when i've been totally not paying attention in class, doodling and drawing, fancying myself the next picasso, i suppose. Worse still, i have become complacent about tests, preparing for them only the evening before. What happened to me? Thank God for flashes of insight, that show me where i stray. I WILL WORK HARD. At present, my goal in life is to be a good daughter, sister and student, and I will try my best.
I've not been a good student lately. I know i disappoint my teachers. I must. i catch myself dozing off in lessons, something that has never happened till this year. I listen with apathy during lit lessons, instead of paying attention and being talkative. There is a strain of irritation when i address my new lit teacher, who does not measure up to my expectations. Oh dear. I'm being very rude and mean and stupid and idiotic and really really really un-Christ-like.
Dear God, I pray you forgive me. Forgive me for being so mean spirited, for placing my own interests, my own wishes ahead of that of my teachers. Forgive me for not loving them enough, for forgetting to view them from the perspective of a teacher. God, i pray you forgive me, and help me to start afresh. Help me to look at my teachers and see them the way you do, help me to love them as you love me. AMEN.

desires of the heart

I write with a heart full of gratefulness, of peace, and of love.
I can hardly comprehend the state in which i am in, so much at peace, so much loved, so much assured of everything.
In the light of recent affairs, i ought to be miserable. My heart, having been kicked out and left to wonder around the lanes of desolate city, out to be sore, to ache, to feel some degree of pain. Yet I do not know but that i am very happy, very happy indeed!
I guess i must not like him so very much as i had presumed. Yet even as i write, with a heart so full of the above, I know that there are still shreds of that affection that lie within it. Perhaps my heart is like a keg, having been filled with wine for so long, even after the wine has been poured out, the keg still retains the smell of it. But i did not write this to lament on what has happened, but to rejoice in a very very precious revelation that might actually see me walking through to an independant heart. Previously, since hitting adolescence, I must be deep in the throes of one crush or another, now i rejoice in the heart-wholeness of my very being.
I'm serious, i've never felt so liberated before:D:D:D:D:D I'm so glad to find out that i am not in love, that i actually have the liberty of independence! HAH! And i'm in no hurry to like anyone. I just want to be friends with the whole world in general. In my oppinion, nothing is so very good for one as friendship. In a BGR, we have to be always pleasing, always amiable. If we fall out of line, if, for a moment, we let slip a fault, then we can be sure that some of that fair, pure image of us that has been painted by our beholder will be tainted, and soon he will be obliged to see us for what we are- all our faults, our pettiness, our small meaness. No, friends are so much safer. With friends you can take liberties to reproach, to anger, and to be readily forgiven- no one expects perfection of a friend.
Furthermore, i can see no merit in having a BGRelationship at our age. I am skeptical, very cynical indeed, as to how long these affections can last. We have just developed physically; no doubt our emotional and spiritual selves are still in want of some more molding. Some may argue that this sort of thing is perfectly ideal to deliever some hard knocks that will give us the shape we desire. But why not learn so very much painlessly, sitting from the sidelines and learning all the strategies, the secrets to success, without standing in harm's way? Must we abuse our hearts so much, to have it rent and ripped at, then patched back together, only to be rent up again? No, i would rather protect my heart for now, let it grow a little larger, become a little more accomodating to the faults of others, let it receive a little more cultivation.

have i grown?

I was reading my previous blog, radicallychanged.blogspot.com . Hearing myself, almost a year back, made me think. From then till now, have i grown? Do i warrant genie's comment that "you've grown alot!"
Lately, i've been blog surfing, and truth be told, feeling a little inferior. I read all my friend's blogs, marveling at the number of funny, humorous things that dot their daily existence. Perhaps, that is what has been spurring my recent posts to sound more cheery and more light-hearted. But i wonder if that was the wisest decision i made. Because honestly, why am i writting this blog? Is it for the sake of letting other people read about my life, and get to know me better? No. I started blogging in my previous blog because i wanted to kepe track of my spiritual life. What does it say, that i have stopped blogging there, and now blog in my more day-to-day, lighthearted blog made for my older sister to get updates of my life?
I feel sober and sorry.
GOd, i repent. Forgive me for trying to please the people around me, for seeking their approval and acceptance more than i have been seeking yours. God, i pray that you cleanse my heart of its impure motives and help me to centre my life around you, and the glorification of your kingdom. Truly, i want to draw near to you.

Today is Maudy thursday. The day Christ died for our sins. I feel so wonderfully blest. God, u provide for me, you died for me, you washed me clean and "freed us for joyful obedience". Jesus. How i love you, more than anyone else in all the earth. FOrgive me of my sins, and help me to start afresh.

endora and the golden apple

I am writing a greek mythology!
It's really very interesting and time consuming, but hey, you only have one LA portfolio to write, right? So i'm going to go all crazy and wild and try out all sorts of writing styles.
I've been so inspired by Darryl Lian's commonwealth essay. It's the most craziest, coolest essay i've ever read, though i profess that i need someone to explain the nitty gritty details to me. It's one of those essays that you half understand, but you say you do, because it manages to touch some parts of your brains and sink in just a little. But i get what Eve means when she thinks he doesn't know what he's writing. Because that piece is seriously abstract. Either that or he's a genius and writes for geniuses.
We had our NAPFA test today, and i am SO sad. Cos i deproved. ALOT. Like last year, i could do 33 incline pull ups, but this year i could only do 23. SO THAT'S why my arms were getting flabby:( And, i don't think i'll be getting the Best in Sit-ups award this year.. My only happy thought is that i jumped 191 this year, 3 cm better than last year... unless i jumped 198 last year, then i'll be excessively sad again. Now, to imrpove on my 2.4km run, and i'll be happy again.
My Jie is coming back on friday! whoopeeeeeeeeeee! Although she will be SUCH a distraction, i DON'T CARE! cos SHE'LL BE HOME:D
We are going to watch this scary bio film. Personally, i think all Bio films are scary. Like The Silent Scream, the documentary on abortions. That was so sad and horrrifying, i shall be forever traumatised. So i'm kinda jittery about this one... my classmates are scared too, so i'm not the sole coward:D